My Chats with a Secret Admirer

It was drizzling. It was always the same since the last week that my dearest hubby had been away on another of his business trips. This time he would be away for close to ten weeks as he was setting up a franchise unit in faraway France. I did not speak to him the last day. I hardly bid him a farewell and just faked a smile as I drove off from the airport departure. I was upset, angry and rightly annoyed. i had every right to be. We were not rich but quite well off and I still cannot understand the logic of wasting a perfect today for a rainy tomorrow. The more he tried to convince me about how he was trying to secure our future the more I felt the anguish of sacrificing our present. one can love today and tomorrow and then some forever. I never could see what he tried to make me see. To him a safe tomorrow, securing us for a rainy day was all that mattered which is sad but what was sadder was that he could never understand my logic that we could always find a way to swim the depths if it came to that. He wanted to make money and all I wanted from him was to make us some unforgettable memories. Anyways, that’s us – a romantic dreamer which is me married to a practical and hardworking man. He loves me more than I love him I know but love is never about grandiose, the bigness. To me love is the small intricate memories that one can fondly reminiscence of during one’s evanescence. I know i sound kind of freaky and mistuned to reality. But, that’s me I guess. I am the kind of a girl who would pick a rose over a diamond anyway. All I want is a lot of love and a small cottage with a old rusty pick up. Sadly, he only finds my confessions amusing and dangerously funny.

I was in the bath when I heard the phone chime. I rushed out naked expecting a miss you message from Arjun.

“ I guess its only the lack of wings that arrest me from calling you an angel. I should have never sent this text I know and I haven’t for the past two years but I just wanted to thank you for the gladness you spread in my life just with a secret glimpse of your sweet self. I’m sorry and I will not intrude on your privacy ever again. Take care and thank you for your beautiful self. A secret admirer”.

I re- read the message a few times. The number was blocked and I was sure it was in error, meant for someone else and not me. So I went back to the shower. I smiled to myself. Hey, I looked at myself in the mirror and began analysing myself critically. Not bad, I stepped out the shower feeling a bit naughty.

“ Who is this?”. I clicked send and strolled down to the kitchen when the phone rang. I was startled for a second. I was scared and kind of excited. But as soon as I picked up the phone I was back to earth.

“ Hey dear, how are you?”. It was Arjun. We spoke a few minutes and after the call I began to work on my sandwich when the message beep shook me out of my reverie again. God, what’s wrong with me. I clicked open the message. ”A secret admirer”.

I was kind of upset now. I could not call the number as it was hidden so I texted back. ”Stop playing games, I’ll call the cops”. I felt kind of scared really. What if this guy was some psycho. I was debating on whether I should inform hubby when I heard the message chime. I was kind of trepid and nervously clicked the message icon. ” I will never text you angel untill you send me a message I assure you, I swear. Have a blissful life, untill forever and a day”. I let out a sigh of relief and felt a wave of relief. Thank God, this felt like a besotted kid whom I scared off. I deleted the messages and decided to knock the whole episode away.

It was maybe a week later that I received a message again. ”Happy birthday angel”. This was ridiculous. Arjun never wished me on my birthday by himself unless I reminded him of it and here was the message sent by this ‘ secret admirer’ at 0001, just past the stroke of midnight and the start of my birthday. I felt a blush and my cheeks redden. ”Thank you” I texted back on impulse. In no time I had a reply. ”Wanna play a game on this happy day?”. I was in my pyjamas and tee and here was this kid? Who wanted to play a game. I was curious and honestly it felt good to be adored, even by this secret idiot. I threw caution to the winds and texted back”sure”.

“ Let’s play Scrabble kind of, the last letter of the word is to be used by the other. Time limit to reply is 3 minutes maximum. If you win I will not message you untill you say so, if I win I get to message you anytime for a week, agree – angel !!”. He’s a kid I laughed to myself. ”Alrighty” I shot back. I was kind of bored and this seemed like harmless kiddish fun.

“ Angel” I began. ”Love” he shot back. ”Example” I smiled as I sent. ”Erotic” he replied. ”Cool” I replied. ”Legs”. I laughed at that. ”Stupid” I sent. ”Desirable” he wrote. Ok I told myself, this kid is trying to seduce me. I decided to have fun.

“ Enigma” I typed in. ”Alluring” he sent. ”Going” I typed in for fun. ”Goddess” he replied. ”Shut up” I said and sent. ”Playful” he replied. ”Lose” I asked him. ”

It went on for an hour or so. I told him I had to get fresh and eat now. He said bye and I called Arjun. A few sweet nothing’s and a quarter of an hour later I was munching on a sandwich for breakfast.

It was 7 pm when I sent him a tinkle. ”Hello”.

He replied back in a jiffy. Soon over the week we had shared so much. He was married and living downtown. The first time he had seen me was at the mall and he was besotted. It had been 2 years now. I was just married and shifted here then. It was just pure adoration and I was floored, lol. Mid life crisis perhaps. But I basked in the glow in this adoration of me. I was 30 and not getting younger anyway. Plus he never tread over the invisible thin red line between us that sliced apart my privacy and dignity on one hand and the buried hunger for comradeship on the other. I felt safe with him and he felt cared with me. We were both aware that this was just a fantasy and I was milking it for all it was worth in my lonesome existence while he wanted to make most of the dream before this illusion finally succumbed to throes of reality.

So here we were, me – a virtual goddess and him, an ardent admirer of whatever beauty he could perceive in me. And he could see beauty in abundance from what I could swear.

Well, things got personal from the cautious exchanges and after a week the first hint of the buried passion between us surfaced.

“ blue?” He messaged me. It was pure impulse that I replied on -”bra” I wrote. I realised after I sent the message that it was so unladylike. It must have shocked him, took a while before the game time limit of 3 minutes was at the end of expiry.

“ Awesome” he replied after his shock at my unexpected brazenness wore off. ”Shamless (of me I know)”. ”Sensual” he shot back. ”Like? (My shamelessness). ”Erotic” he confessed. ”Continue” I sent. ”Erect” he replied. ”Take back (what I said earlier)” and I giggled. ”Breasts” he questioned me. ”Sexy” I replied. ”Yes (I know) he admitted. ”Surprised (to know that you know) I queried. ”D cup??” I laughed as I read his reply. ”Pervert” I shot back. ”Tits”he answered. ”Slow down” I chided him gently. I liked this erotic turn of events. ”Nipples”he began to get naughty. ”Stop” I blushed. ”Panties” he kept going. ”Shameless” I acted coy and faked anger. ”Seducing (you)” he exclaimed. ”Go on” I teased him.

We kept this game of cat and mouse with each other. Leashing and unleashing each other when things seemed to spiral out if control. It was one morning that things began to get a bit out of hand.

“ Hi” I texted. ”Imagining (you) he replied. ”Go on” I probed. ”Naked (you were)” he stated. ”Dream” I laughed. ”Much more (than a fantasy it felt” he let me know. ”Erotic” I queried. ”Came too soon” he shyly confessed. ”Now (ready to cum again?? )” I teased him. ”Waiting (start) he begged me. ”Give (me a suggestion)”stated. ”Enough (dear, let loose the fury today” he blurted out. ”Horny” I teased him. ”Yes” he replied. ”Strip ?? (I queried – I’m wearing a Jean and a tee lying in front of the mirror) I confessed. ”Please” I knew he had a hard on, he was lightning fast in his replies now. ”Easy now (I am talking off my tee now) I informed him and slowly began to strip out in front of the mirror imagining I was him. I was breathing hard and hot now. I tried to see myself as how he would see me. The curves, the bra hugging my breasts. I was getting real turned on when the message beeped. ”What ?? (Do you see)” he sounded desperate. ”Tits (dying to be free from the clutches and confines of a sexy lace bra)” i stated matter of fact. ”Squeeze them” he pleaded. ”Myself” I acted surprised and began to fondle myself in front of the mirror. ” Fondle both” he urged me on. ”How” I teased him. ”Work (on both using your hands) he gasped I’m sure. ”Kinky” I Answered. ”Yesssss” he replied in a jiffy. ”I will”I ended his fantasy laughing out loud… it’s yes, you used a wrong word. He seemed really disappointed. ” You are a dirty tease”. I was turned on by now and I switched off the phone and began to tiltate and gyrate in front of the mirror. i was dancing away doing an imaginary strip tease for myself and feeling really sexy. I imagined the girl in the mirror to be a seductress who was seducing me. In no time i was doing something that I had never done. Kissing myself in my reflection. I felt the hotness of my own breath. In no time I was naked and loving myself, fondling the contours of my own sexy self and I began to taste my own love juices. I inserted a finger deep inside, moved it gently untill it was soaking wet and then tasted my own saltish sweetness by sucking on my finger imagining it to be something else. I felt the rawness and soon began to work on my most sensitive part before exploding and broke into a swear after which I collapsed out of sheer exhaustion.

Arjun called me and after a while asked me if I was ok. He said I sounded kind of different. We had the usual I miss you routine and when I heard the message chime I told him I had to go out to grab something to eat. As soon as I was free of the call I clicked my message icon.

“ Can you make it to Starbucks and take the last table on the right, order a coffee and let me ogle at your beauty for say 15 minutes”.

I was flattered and half hoping to catch this guy in the flesh. i said”ok, be there 20 minutes”. I was kind of exited and ran to the mirror and did a last minute check. Ok, I was looking kind of good. I grabbed the car keys and slammed the door shut.

I had to wait close to 10 minutes to occupy the corner table. I could feel his invisible eyes staring at me. Was it the guy with the red baseball cap?, Was it the hunk behind the counter? God, not that old man diagonally across. Oh my god, is he that cute college kid who sneaked a glance at me as I walked in?. I was confused. It took me close to 20 minutes to finish my coffee and I rose, defeated in my endeavour to catch a glimpse of my admirer. I drove home in silence. Just as I opened the garage door I heard the chime on the mobile.

“ you looked pretty in the red dress, like an angel. I am indebted for this favours”. I was still uoset but the embers of anger were subsiding abliet a bit slowly. I did not bother to reply.

I was watching an old chick flick when Arjun called. You sound upset he said. I’m not, I blabbered a bit too aggressively and vulnerably. He told me that he was going to get held up for another three weeks. I lashed out at him. I was on the verge of breaking down. I needed to hug him I swore. I nearly broke down. He was not perplexed though. i did this often. He had heard of a million times my fantasy of moving away from the city to a isolated non description town somewhere in deep Ontario. When my blabbering stopped he told me to get a grip and finally sanity washed over me. I asked him of his project and he told me it was going better than he expected and that he would need me besides him when he was done. I quietly kept listening to his endless blabber of how I would love the final outcome which would be a pleasant shock to me. I played along and finally we said goodnight.

I was stepping out of the shower when the message beeped. ”You are my dream but what is your dream”. Since I was not feeling sleepy anyways I decided to engage myself with my ghost. Slowly he made me describe my dream cottage and my dream life. It took an hour before he got intimate cautiously.

“ You are perfect”. I laughed out sarcastically. ”No wonder my lovers are ghosts, you and hubby both” I replied. He said he was sure we made a lovely couple. I asked him why he was stalking me if he cared and thought my life was perfect. He told me that his life was far from perfect so he was trying to turn things around for himself. ”And how do your exchange with me help you do that” I questioned him. Funny, but the more I dwell into your mind I realise how wrong I have been about women, he confessed.

He probed every nook and corner of my mind and soul. I led him in gently and let him explore my soul in gay abandon. The difference between Arjun and my ghost stared glaringly in my face. I loved Arjun and the ghost was what I had dreamt of lovingly. Texting was not cheating I kept reminding myself, not with a faceless man.

Two days went by and there was hardly any sexual references whatsoever. It was platonic at its zenith. For someone who yearned for a dream turning real, it had scary implications. I was falling in love but with whom. Was it the ghost I was falling in love with? Was I falling out of love with Arjun?. Was it myself I was falling in or out of love with? Answers that best lay unanswered. I was not in a hurry to have my world crash and burn, not yet anyway. Sometimes just treading into the darkness is the best way to find the light. I chided myself for judging myself too harshly. all l wanted a confidant and I had one, no strings attached. Saviour the moment I reminded myself. The gods of sin can work overtime to nail me to the cross if need be. When did love ever come without suffering?.

“ describe your breasts” it was 6 am and I was half awake. What do tell him I wondered!!. I typed a few words, deleted them untill I decided that enough was enough and sent him this text.

“ A soft handful each, heavy and warm with a gentle upsweep. Light and creamy compared to the less tan skin of the rest of my body. Nipples nice and centered, and the breasts just big enough to feel full to the grasp or the touch. Perky with a natural bounce but still firm. Areola about the size of a quarter, with a nice darker color for contrast. Topped with tiny hard nipples, like little erasers begging to be licked and nibbled. In a sweater they stand firm, round and proud yet in a tank top they dip and bounce playfully with my movements. There is just a light hint of a blue vein running across the left one, enough to allow for a pleasing color shift. When you gently cup them you can feel the softness, yet under it there’s a faint firmness you know you’d feel if you squeezed them. They are easily flashed, react nicely to being halfway out of a bra, not squashing and lumping, but exposed all at once. When and if i reveal them with that lovely little crossed arm move i somehow know to do, they bounce free and happy briefly. They have a slightly sweet taste and feel just right when you work a nipple into your mouth with the eagerness and desperate hunger. The simple existence of my perfect tits will make you smile just a little and think that maybe, just maybe, everything is going to be ok. ”

He did not reply back. i waited a full five minutes before I jumped out and headed to the washroom. God, hope I did not freak him out. Maybe all he wanted was my bra size I pondered. I let it go and told myself that I should not be so stupid next time on.

It took a lot of strength on my part to resist staring at the phone. He could have replied back something, anything. I felt hungry and threw the phone by the night lamp and went over to grab something akin to a dinner and watched the funny gag show that was on. I felt better now and I cuddled myself in the soft blanket and closed my eyes. Arjun had not called tonight, but neither had the ghost. If I had a choice, whom would I have call or message me. Oh god, girl you are nuts. I am supposed to love Arjun, I took my vows. Nobody can love a ghost. Ghosts only make you cry eventually. A thousand reasons ran in my jaded heart as to the reasons why the ghost had not replied. His battery ran out, his phone was stolen, it fell off a bridge into the river. Not in a single scenario did I not justify his ignorance of me as anything that he could help. Shut up you idiot, I warned myself. Go to sleep. I eventually did. But before drifting off to slumberland I dropped one hand between my warm thighs and it kind of felt good. I was used to being ignored by Arjun. Now I was getting used to being ignored by a ghost. Beat that, I smiled and with the smiling masquerade on me, I sank into the abyss of the world that lay somewhere between the living and the dead, the kingdom of sleep. Caught between Arjun and the ghost. Reality felt too vivid and the dream was too obscure. I was drifting away out of choice, I knew not where. Truth was I felt I did not care, it felt so unreal that it began to feel real. Random crazy thoughts, I was messed up bad inside my heart. I did not even realise how long and how hard it was before I succumbed to this alien feelings of void and let myself be ravaged by a deep slumber.

I resisted the urge to reach out for the phone to check the messages, if any.

I got into the shower and washed my hair quickly…pinning it up when it was done because I hate the feel of it clinging to my neck and back when it’s wet. I love the scent of my new shampoo and shower gel.

I lathered down my whole body……paying particular attention to my nipples as I do my breasts. Once they are all slick with soap, I like to pull and twist them a little. Not to the point of unbearable pain.. just so the electricity shoots through me.

Once I have them so hard they are too tender touch any longer I move on down…soaping and scrubbing. I don’t play too much more while I’m soapy.. soap in private places tends to cause problems sometimes.

All soaped up I reach for the hand held shower head.. this is my favorite.. it has spray and pulse modes…mmmmmmmmm

In spray mode I hold it tight to the top of my chest.. letting the water cascade down. When my nipples are very hard the water runs down them and shoots of the tips like little jets. I like watching that. Sometimes I have to play with them a little more to keep them hard.

After that I just rinse off the rest of me.. quickly without much thought to what I’m doing…. planning the next and most delicious stage.

Switching over to pulse mode… I place my foot on the edge of the tub…opening my legs wider. Reaching down with one hand I spread my pussy lips open wide, exposing the pink softness inside. Bringing the showerhead in close…. the warm water pulses on me…making my clit hard in an instant. With the right imagination, I can feel lips there.. searching.. a tongue.. flicking… fingers working over it.

Today’s was excellent. There we were….. the dream I pictured me and the ghost in, last night’s fantasy all coming together as the water played over me so fine. I don’t always finger myself but I did today.. sliding it in and out.. imagining your wonderful cock in me moving in and out…. slowly at first.. then speeding up.

I feel the muscles tighten around my finger as the water massages my hard clit.. sending waves of pleasure through me. Before I know it I’m cumming so hard.. my knees are getting weak.. and it just goes on and on. I know I’m making noises and I hope the sound of the shower covers them.

Wanting to stop because I’m afraid my knees are going to give out but not being able to…taking my fingers out and rubbing them over my clit instead. It’s so sensitive at this point I really can’t do that though.. the feeling is just too intense so I go back to just using the water.

Spasms over and over again.. I can’t remember the last time it went on for so long.. but finally they subside…. letting me down gently.. bringing me to that peaceful place again.

Bringing the shower head up to my neck I massage it with the water.. relaxing me.. bringing me back down from that incredible high. By now the hot water has run out so I jump out to towel off. Looking in the mirror…. I see a lady who has just been made incredibly sweet love to and her eyes are shining. Thank you darling. it was so good.

The nice part about doing it in the shower.. no sticky fingers or embarrassing wetness to contend with afterward.

Would the ghost be upset if I sent this confession?. I decided to play safe and keep my naughtiness to myself.

I don’t know why but I scribbled out a message. Writing it was the only way I could feel free to breathe. I felt suffocated otherwise.

Finally I decided to send it to the ghost, my secret lover. It was meant for Arjun when I wrote it but was that the truth really?. My feelings were obscure and I was wrapped in the cloak of no identity.

I tried to delete the message but the damage was done, the text was delivered.

“ I feel like I am, losing you. I feel like our loving is fading and there isn’t a thing I can do about it. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong, I don’t think it’s even anything I can fix. But I can tell things aren’t the same. We’re fighting for our relationship more than just enjoying being together. And I know a lot of that is caused by me being sad, scared and worried. It’s hard not to be all of those things.

You are so far away, and having you gone really puts a strain on our relationship. There isn’t anything we can do, but try and hold on. But I don’t feel like you are anymore. I feel like what we have, is more so now what we had. I do still love you. But is me loving you enough? No.

I know we talked about forever and the future together. But I’m not so sure it’s going to happen anymore. I wanted to be with you. I still do want to. But I think seeing all this fade away like I feared it would, is kind of pushing me away from you. I’m not even sure you realize it.

I didn’t want to believe it, I still don’t. Because losing you is really going to break me. I know what it’s like now to need someone, because you aren’t yourself without them. I don’t love you because I fear losing you or being alone. I love you because you are my other half.

If I had the chance to choose someone else, I’d still choose you; every time. I know what we have isn’t perfect, but I wouldn’t give it up for anything. Even if it means crying everyday because I don’t get to see you. I’ll take those tears, because I know that’ll all be in the past in two years. And then we could finally be together. And if I give up on you, I’ll regret it forever.

I meant it when I said forever. And I believed you did too. I believe you meant it. And believe you love me. But I’m not so sure, you are in love with me. I’m not sure you need me. I’m not sure you even want me.

So I guess what I’m trying to say is. Even if this is goodbye, or it will be soon. I love you, and I always will. Even if you break your promise of forever to me. I’ll hate that you broke it, but i’ll never hate you. I’ll never let go, even if you do”.

What kind of woman would dare to call a faceless texting series of sessions – love?.

God, I was doomed. I had dug my own grave. If was standing six feet under now I felt I deserved it. The ghost would know I meant things I wrote were to Arjun. He would not have a cheap opinion of me now. In trying to beg him for some affection I deserved nothing but his hate, his scorn. He had already stopped texting me, this would ensure he deleted not just my number but every memory of me.

I cried myself to sleep that night. when Arjun called I did not bother to answer. My satin pillow was so damp with my burning tears. I hated, no, despised myself for being so vunerable, foolish and pathetic.

“ I love you too dear, the reason I have been avoiding you.. I did not want to complicate your life” his text read.

“ Not love, just that I like you” I answered.

“ Right now, I want to worship you goddess” he stated but I want you to be mine.

Would you be my virtual wife??

lol, I burst out laughing. it would have been shocking of you to propose in the first place dear. but, this virtual proposal takes the cake. I teased him”i doubt my hubby would approve me having two husbands and I certainly would never divorce him ever”.

“ Imagine I am him, that would be your secret that only we both are aware of.. he stated..

Hmm, that’s seems like an arrangement we could work on I laughed.

Great he said.. let’s begin our virtual married life dear he began enthusiastically…

He sent me a mail on our proposed wedding day. I felt so evil in my wedding gown. I locked all the doors and pulled down the shades out of a mixture of excitement and embarrassment wrapped in an erotic sensual feeling. This is how he put forth the vows…

“ You have been my best friend, mentor, playmate, confidant and my greatest challenge. But most importantly, you are the only and strongest virtual love of my life and you make me happier than I could ever imagine and more loved than I ever thought possible… You have made me a better person, as our virtual affection/love for one another is reflected in the way I live my life. So I am truly blessed to be a part of your life, which as of today becomes our life together. ”

Lol, I blushed crimson red. I replied”I accept you as my virtual hubby dear ghost”. Omg, I was crazy as he was I realised.

My sensual revire was shattered when the phone rang. It was Arjun. i broke into a sweat and was nearly feeling chocked. But luckily he was busy and did not hold me too long. After the call realised my palms were wet and I was sweating profusely on the cold December morning. I gave myself a few minutes before I regained my composure. I have no idea where this would lead.



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